Midlife Crises Suck

I turned 45 this year.  I have always heard of having a midlife crisis, but I never thought much of it.  But at 45 you realize that you are at the peak of midlife.  And at that peak I suppose a crisis is bound to happen for many of us.  And so amidst a worldwide pandemic, amidst a devastating church split, and due to the fact that I have chosen to ignore myself for a long time, my own crisis came bubbling up out of me.  

Now I'm not going to go into any specifics right now, but suffice it to say, this crisis caused pain in my own life and in the life of someone I love dearly.  But as I've pointed out numerous times over the last several months, there's always a silver lining even on the darkest, angriest cloud.  And the silver lining to my own mid-life catastrophe happens to be a man named David Hanson.  

To anyone walking down the street, David would look like just an average man.  There's really nothing extraordinary about him.  He looks like any number of other 30-ish year old white men hanging out in the mall, at a ballgame, or even sitting in the pew at church.  But you see, David has a superpower.  And that superpower is that he listens.  He challenges.  He pushes.  He cares.  You see, David is my therapist.

I never thought that I'd be the kind of person who would go to therapy.  I come from a long line of farmers and ranchers who work hard and don't really like to ask for help.  It's ingrained in me to the deepest core that you don't talk about your issues.  You don't involve outsiders in your family business.  And you most certainly NEVER seek counseling.  So, I guess you could say that I've broken the rules.  But since I'm not really a rule follower most of the time, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

David did something in our session a few weeks ago that I can't really put words to.  And if I told you exactly what he said or what he had me do, you would probably think I'm pretty weird.  Or at least if you know me very well, you would think it was weirder than normal.  Without going into all the details of what the session involved, I will tell you that at the end of the session, for the first time in my memory, I began to love.

Now I don't mean that I began to love people.  I have loved a lot of people in my life.  My earliest love was towards my parents and grandmother.  Over the years, I have loved other people too.  My wife.  My kids.  My sister and her family.  Cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family.  When I became a pastor I fell in love with church people.  And through the Holy Spirit I am learning to love people the way Jesus loves people.  It's a life long transformation, but I'm slowly getting there.

But there has been one person that I have never loved.  To me, he was unlovable.  He is mean.  He's selfish.  He's arrogant.  And personally, I just never liked hanging out with him.  But due to the way things are in my life, I never could get away from him.  Over the years, I have learned to distance myself from him emotionally.  I have learned to keep him at arm's length in order to keep my public self safe.  But David has made me engage with him.  He has made me actually talk to him.  He's making me get to know him as other people know him.  And because of that, I am learning to love him.  In case you haven't figured it out by now, the person I'm learning to love...is me.

Now I realize that I still have a long way to go before I really can love myself.  After all, falling in love does take time.  There's still a lot about me that I don't like.  There's still a lot about me that causes me pain, that causes me embarrassment.  But there's also things about me that I'm learning are ok.  I can be a good guy sometimes and I've even been known to be generous at times.  

So today, I thank God for David.  I thank God for hundreds of other therapists who are on the front lines of the mental health crisis that is plaguing our country.  I thank God for convicting me and sending me into a tailspin.  I'm not sure where this therapy road will eventually lead, but I do know that as of today, I'm doing much better than I was when I turned 45.  

If you don't currently see a therapist, I encourage you to at least think about it.  There's nothing shameful about it.  And in so many ways, having one is saving my life.  If you do see a therapist, I want you to do me a huge favor.  Pray for him/her.  They need strength.  They need wisdom.  And even a therapist needs to feel loved.  

Even though my own mid-life crisis is what led me to David, I still maintain that midlife crises suck.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin

Love, Cyberspace, and Grace

I met a man this week.  We didn't meet in person; instead I met him in cyberspace.  In fact, due to the anonymity of social media, he doesn't even know that I met him.  What amazed me about this particular person was the way that he presented himself to the world.  His entire demeanor was from a place of disdain and cynicism.  As I scrolled down through his Facebook posts it became apparent to me that he is an atheist.  I honestly have no problem with people who don't believe in God.  That, of course, is their right.  A person should be able to believe whatever he or she wants to believe. However, what bothered me is that he is an anti-theist.  He is one of the people in the world who does not want others to believe in God and when he encounters someone who does, he intentionally attacks the person through hateful comments and ridiculous accusations.

But even more than that, most of his attacks (in fact all of the ones I read) were aimed at Christians.  This particular individual pointed all of his barbs and vitriolic comments at people who are Christ followers.  Again, I suppose that that does not surprise me.  After all, Jesus told us that there would be people in the world who hated us because the world hated him.  In fact, I have been personally vilified for my desire to follow the teachings of Christ.  However, usually these attacks come from people in the church and not from the world.

My initial reaction to this man's hatefulness was repulsion.  I had a hard time wrapping my mind around some of the things that he had posted.  I could sense the deep disdain that he has towards people in general and disciples of Jesus in particular.  It seemed as though every breath of his body was mustered in order to destroy instead of to build.

But then I was surprised by how I felt next.  Instead of feeling superior (pharisaic) in the way I looked at him, I began to pity him.  I wondered what had happened in his life to make him so filled with hatred.  Was he hurt by the Church...by people who claim Christ as their savior but behave more like agnostics?  Was he disappointed by Christians with their pie-in-the-sky theology that doesn't translate into actual behavior?  At some point did he believe, only to have that belief turned into disbelief as he watched churches fight over the silliest theological differences?

I suppose any or all of these scenarios could be true.  I certainly understand church politics and I see how professing Christians treat one another and their neighbors.  Gandhi once remarked to E. Stanley Jones that "I do not reject your Christ. I love your Christ. It is just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ."  So my best guess is that this man, who is about my age, that I met this week has probably seen the worst in Christ's body.  For that I am truly sorry.

The other thing I realized from my encounter is that only by God's grace am I not like this man.  I have seen plenty of fighting, hatefulness, and meanness so many times that I simply want to walk away.  But something I read has kept me firmly rooted in my belief in God.  "God is love, and those who remain in love remain in God and God remains in them.  This is how love has been perfected in us, so that we can have confidence on the Judgment Day, because we are exactly the same as God is in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear expects punishment.  The person who is afraid has not been made perfect in love.  We love because God first loved us." (1John 4:16b-19)

You see, I know where my heart was before I knew God.  If I would never have learned to love, I would be just like this poor man I met on Facebook.  But I'm not.  It is only because of God's love, God's grace, and God's mercy that I have as much love in me as I do.  I recognize that I'm not where I want to be yet.  However, I also know that as I continue to choose love over hate and as I choose forgiveness over resentfulness, then God's Spirit will continue to make me look more like Jesus.  And dear friends, looking and acting like Jesus, not going to heaven upon death, is the ultimate goal of every disciple of Christ.

So I'm going to pray for this man.  I pray that he encounters someone in person who is a true disciple.  I pray that he sees the true love of God played out in his community.  I pray that God doesn't give up on him and continues to pour grace and love into his life.  And finally, I pray, that if I ever meet him in person that I continue to love him because God does.  Until next time...

Pastor Dustin

"Friendship Is a Single Soul Living in Two Bodies"--Aristotle

In my second year of seminary, I decided to pick up Oswald Chambers' devotional guide My Utmost For His Highest as a part of my personal time with God each morning.  What I remember about that year was that every morning as I read the daily reading, I could sense that God was indeed speaking to me through the words written.  I knew that the Holy Spirit was doing a mighty work in me as he was preparing me for full time ministry.

I couple of months ago, I read a short piece that was quoted from the devotional and I could sense the Spirit stirring within me.  So I decided to once again go through the book for 2015.  It's funny how God works.  A few days before Christmas I had dropped by our local mall to pick up a couple of last minute Christmas gifts.  For whatever reason, I ended up going into the used book store.  As I was looking at the commentaries, one of the books that stuck out at me was a really nice copy of Chambers' book.  I picked it up for a mere $3.00 and gave it to Myranda so that she could read the book with me.

On January 7th, the focus verse is from John's gospel.  "Jesus replied, 'Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been with you all this time?'"  It made me wonder, how many of us who claim Jesus as our savior are in Philip's boat?  How many of us have been with him for 20, 30, or even 40 years and still don't know him?  Knowing who Jesus is and knowing Jesus are two diametrically opposite things.

For many years, I knew a lot about Jesus.  I knew that he was born in Bethlehem.  I knew that he was baptized by John in the River Jordan.  I even knew that he died on a cross and was resurrected from the tomb.  But I really didn't know Jesus.  It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I actually was introduced to the Son of Man.

It was only after I began to know Jesus that my life truly changed.  Knowing him has been a challenge, a joy, a struggle...over all, it's been an unfathomable experience.  As I reflect upon my relationship with him, I have come to realize something.  My relationship with Jesus is a true friendship.  Sometimes he makes me laugh.  At times, we argue.  I get mad at him.  And at times, there are moments of intimacy where I feel as though we truly are "a single soul living in two bodies."

But through it all, I am so glad that I do know Jesus.  For me, knowing Christ is not about going to heaven or avoiding hell.  Knowing Christ is a walk where he reveals myself to me.  He gently shows me where I am weak, lovingly shows me where I need to improve, and carefully forms me into something better than I could have been without him.  I guess that the longer that I know Jesus the more I recognize that the Jesus I knew a lot about is not the Jesus that I now know.  While I believe all of those things did happen, it's not about the things; it's about the person.

That's what I think he was telling Philip that day.  A person can know about someone else.  A person can even live a life associated with someone else and really never know that person.  But that's not the same as knowing them.  So my hope for 2015 is that if you are a Christ-follower that you will get to know the real Jesus.  If you're not, then maybe I could introduce you sometime.  It would be my pleasure.  Until next time...

I'm Not Tantalus and God's Not Zeus

It's the monsoon season here in New Mexico.  Growing up just across the line in Texas, we didn't have a monsoon flow.  Most of our rain came in the spring and the fall.  Occasionally we would get a summer thunderstorm.  But for the most part our summers were dry and rather warm.

But over here on the western side of the mountains, the climate is different.  From what I've been told, we stay relatively dry most of the year.  But starting in July, the tipping point is reached and moisture begins to be pumped north and we begin to receive rain.  Obviously, I have no other years to compare this year's monsoon to, but it has seemed somewhat quiet to me.  

One thing does intrigue me about living at the base of the mountain.  Monsoon or not, this summer the mountains have been getting a good soaking.  Almost every afternoon I hear the thunder rumble as the cumulonimbus build up over the areas around Cloudcroft.  I guess there's still a part of me that gets excited when I hear thunder roll.  With great expectations, I lift my eyes to mountains just east of us and secretly hope they find their way west.  I hope they will bring us moisture and cooler temperatures.

But that doesn't happen.  The mountains selfishly rob us of the rain.  They squeeze every drop they can from the skies and leave us thirsty.  On many afternoons as I drive home, I feel like Tantalus.  

(Maybe you remember that story from Greek Mythology.  Like other figures from the Greek stories, Tantalus was punished by Zeus.  Apparently, he was initially welcomed to Zeus' table to eat.  But he decided to steal ambrosia and nectar and share it with humans.  Since Zeus was a selfish and prideful god, he punished his son by sending him to the depths of Tartarus.  His punishment fit his crime.  Since he stole food and drink he would forever be without them.  But it was worse than that.  He was surrounded by fruit hanging from trees.  When he reached up to pick fruit to eat, the branch would move just beyond his reach.  And the pool of water where he lived was the same.  When he reached down to draw a handful of water, the pool would recede.  And, that folks, is where we get the word to tantalize.  But I digress.)

It's hard for me not to become disenchanted with the mountains.  In some ways, I want to believe that we are being punished for some reason.  I want to find a way to make things right so that we too can receive the blessedness of rain.

But you know, that's not what Jesus taught us.  He taught us that God is love and that God sends forth everything that we need.  In fact, he was big on teaching that his Father is not Zeus.  Unlike Zeus, God enjoys giving us things.  From the very beginning of the Bible, we are told that God created the world for humanity.  He turned the Garden over to us to manage, to use, and to enjoy.  Jesus tells us that God sends the rain to the just AND the unjust.  He reminds us that a life of blessing is God's desire for every person.  

So as I lift my eyes to the mountains and I see the rain falling up there, I remind myself that mountain rains are a beautiful thing.  I remember that God has always provided for me and my family and that I have an opportunity to provide for others by being a blessing.  Even when it doesn't rain here in the desert, I know that God loves me and that he never tantalizes me.  Instead, he always provides.

Until next time...

Dustin

Sometimes I just sits...

Last week we had the opportunity to spend some time with my family camping in the mountains of Southern Colorado.  When I was a kid we spent at least a week every summer camping somewhere.  I have a lot of fun memories playing with my cousins in the rivers, fishing, and exploring the mountainous areas so different from the plains of West Texas.

This was the first camping trip that all six of us were able to go on in about 7 years.  We all had a really good time and were able to relax in the cool mountain air after all of the hubbub of our move and transition this summer.

One afternoon I had quite a bit of down time.  A couple of people took a nap, some were playing a game, while the rest decided to spend some time reading.  For whatever reason, none of those activities appealed to me at that moment.  I felt restless; I needed to do something but nothing sounded like a worthwhile pursuit.  I decided that perhaps I just needed to get away for a bit and visit with God.

Right above our tent was an outcropping of rock that overlooked the hamlet of Platoro.  I decided that would be the ideal place for me to have a short retreat.  As I sat on the ground surrounded by immense majesty, I began to pray.  For some reason I thought that God would take that time to communicate with me.  Perhaps he would give a profound truth, taking me deeper in my spiritual journey.  Maybe he would give me insight into leading Grace UMC.  Or maybe, just maybe, he would speak to me with words that would transform the way I pastor, teach, and disciple.

But as I sat there, waiting, waiting waiting, nothing happened.  I became restless.  My mind wouldn't focus and I had a hard time praying.  Why?  Why would it be harder to pray while sitting quietly in a beautiful landscape intentionally seeking God than it is in my office, in the car, or other places where distractions happen all of the time?  After all, didn't Jesus say "My sheep listen to my voice.  I know them and they follow me...?"

I thought, "Well God, I am listening.  Here I am.  Speak."  But nothing happened.  All I heard was the river rushing far below, the birds singing, the chipmunks chattering, and laughter from my kids and sister playing a game.  The longer I sat there, the more frustrated I became.  My mind raced with doubt and questions.  Why wasn't he speaking?  Was he upset with me?  Did I do something wrong?  Had he abandoned me?

As I sat with these questions whirling around me, an ant caught my eye.  The more I focused on the activity of the ant the less concerned I was with the questions.  I watched him move across the ground in search of something.  First he darted in one direction then suddenly, without prior notice, he darted in another direction.  Seemingly oblivious of me or anything else around him he continually searched.  As I watched him, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  He was so disorganized, so disjointed in his pursuit of something.  I wanted to tell my little ant friend to slow down.  I wanted to tell him to settle down, think things through, make a plan, and then calmly move forward.

And that's when it hit me.  I was the ant.  God had watched all of the activity I had been through over the past several weeks and he had probably (and with good reason) chuckled at my darting around.  I remembered the story of Jesus calming the storm with his hand and the disciples' awe-filled response "He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him!" Surely I am smarter and more obedient than winds and water.  So for the next hour I just sat on my rock and I was.  My mind no longer wandered.  I didn't receive any wondrous revelations.  There was no amazing transfiguration of my spiritual life.  I just sat there and I was Dustin.

I never heard God's voice or direction that afternoon.  I just sat in his presence.  No praying, no listening, no wild pursuit of something.  Honestly, it was nice.  Maybe I can learn that discipline better.  Just before I got up to rejoin the family, I remembered a sign on the wall at my good friend Ken Lane's house.  It states, "Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits."  Well Ken, I am learning to "just sits" too.

Until next time...
Dustin

I will tell you what God has done for me...

When I first arrived here at Grace, I was trying to think of ways that I could engage the other staff members and be able to integrate myself into their team.  One night as I was thinking about it, I had the idea that I should have a one-on-one time with each of them.  My hope was that I would do most of the listening while they talked about themselves.  Looking back on that idea, I realize now that it was a direct revelation of God's wisdom through the Holy Spirit into my brain.

You see, over the past two weeks the staff have made appointments with me for this time of listening.    I have asked them to share with me their spiritual journey.  I wanted them to feel free to visit with me while not feeling obligated to share everything.  I have to admit, each time I have sat down with them I have been blown away by their stories.  Time after time I have heard them share powerful testimonies of God calling them out of the world.  I have heard of his amazing protection during physically dangerous situations.  I have heard their frustrations, their triumphs, their pains, and even their healings...all the while learning to trust God and turning their lives over more and more to God's guidance and leading.

Sometimes, I think that we forget that God is at work in lives across the world.  While God might be comforting us through a trial or pain, he is also celebrating with someone else through a time of joy.  While we might feel distant from God, someone else feels closer to him than they ever have.

I guess what these interviews have done for me is to help me understand these men and women with whom I am now in ministry.  Their stories are now a part of me.  I was amazingly blessed through them.  I have told the staff more than once how excited I am to be in ministry with them.  But now that I've finished the interviews, I have to admit that I am the one who needs to take a backseat to them.  These people are truly the salt of the earth...they are the lights of the world taking Christ's light to others.

I am humbled knowing that they have trusted me with their stories...they have made themselves vulnerable by sharing their spiritual intimacy with me.  In Psalm 66 we are told "Come and see God's deeds; his works for human beings are awesome:...Come close and listen, all you who honor God; I will tell you what God has done for me..."

The truth behind these words is what makes our testimonies so powerful.  People can argue about the existence of God, they can claim the Bible is bogus, and they can even doubt that a man named Jesus ever lived.  But what they can't take from us...what they can never disprove is our own testimony.  As a Church, we must always be ready to tell people what God has done in our lives.  We must always be prepared to share God's mighty deeds in our lives.

So this week, share your stories.  Become vulnerable to your brothers and sisters in Christ.  Tell others what God has done.  The psalmist is exactly right, God's works for human beings are awesome!

Until next time...


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Back on Track

Well, it's no secret, my family and I have moved.  This past spring my district superintendent called and told me that the cabinet had been discussing my gifts and graces for ministry and that they believed that it was time for us to pack up and head West.  After discussing it with Myranda and the girls and praying about it, we agreed to the appointment.

I have to admit that I do enjoy moving.  I like meeting new people, seeing new places, and experiencing God in new and exciting ways.  However, I hate the process!  The packing, the purging, and the scheduling is always a nightmare.  In the midst of gearing up for the move it dawned on me that two areas of my life were going to take a direct hit.  Both of these things I have learned not only to enjoy but to cherish as a part of my daily schedule.  They are my prayer time and my exercise time.

About a month before the move, I began to pray that God would give me a double portion of his Spirit.  I know myself well enough to realize that in the process of transitioning from one place to another that my prayer life would take a major hit.  So I began to build up "Spiritual Fat."  I prayed longer, I asked God's grace to see me through, and I asked for him to meet me on the other side of the move.

But my exercise was another story.  I really have learned to love my treadmill.  Over the past few months it has become a fixture for me.  It is no longer a burden.  I love the way it hums.  I enjoy seeing the miles trickle by and the calorie counter increase.  As I watched it loaded onto the truck, I realized that there was no way that I could store up extra miles like I did with my prayer life.

So for almost two weeks I didn't exercise and I didn't have deep prayer time.  After I got settled in and Mykaylee found the key to the treadmill, I finally was able to resume my routine.  As it so happened, my first day on the treadmill was the same day that I restarted my prayer time.  Boy did it feel good!  It felt great to challenge my legs again.  As my heart began to race and my lungs expanded from the increased activity, I could feel my body fit back into its groove.

Paul wrote to his son in the faith Timothy, "Train yourself for a holy life!  While physical training has some value, training in holy living is useful for everything.  It has promise for this life now and the life to come."  I think I understand his words better now than I ever have in the past.  Training my body and my spirit for a holy life is a good thing.  Both the physical training and the holy living make me a better person.  They help form me and fashion me the way God intends for me to be.

So today, I thank God for meeting me where I am and for sustaining me during times of transition.  I love the fact that God's grace never quits and will even carry us through until we can get back on our feet.  Most of all, I'm thankful that my training is back on track...both physically and spiritually.

Until next time...





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