Staffsgiving

The other day, someone I used to work with (and I greatly admire) posted the following on her social media page, "Y'all ever miss co-workers from past jobs?  I've met some really good people over the years."  And it got me to thinking, "I really have worked with some of the best people in my life."  So many times these women and men have seen me through some tough times.  They've celebrated the birth of my girls, they've laughed at my lame jokes, and they've listened to me vent about all the things life throws my way.

I've come to understand that as time drifts by, co-workers come and go.  One thing that Covid did that was totally unexpected on my part was to force us to re-evaluate who we are and what we want out of life.  That self-reflection took three people from the Aldersgate staff and moved them in a new direction.  As much work as hiring new people can be, it also gives me an opportunity to meet new people.  These new people bring a fresh outlook on the ministry we do, they bring excitement to our team, and they bring themselves into my life.

So today I celebrate my co-workers.  Each one of them challenges me in their own way.  Each one gives me a perspective on ministry and on life that I wouldn't have without them.  And each one brings to the table so many gifts and graces for ministry that fills the gap.  I love these people not for what they do, what they give, or even for how they help me.  I love each one of them just for being who they are.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin

The Goodness of God

For the last several years I've been dealing with anxiety.  I really can't pinpoint exactly when if first showed up.  But I do know I first began dealing with it while I was in seminary.  Several things worried me.  I had a family to take care of, I wanted to do well in school, I wanted to learn as much as possible, I didn't want to let down my local church, I missed my family back in Texas, and the list just goes on and on.  At that time, I just dealt with it.  I kept telling myself that all I had to do was get through school and then everything would be ok.  But it didn't work out that way.

After I graduated and received my first church, I couldn't have asked for a better place to start out in ministry.  So many of the people there accepted me and my family.  They loved us, cared for us, and invited us into their lives.  But for some reason, the anxiety that I felt continued to build.  I pushed myself to preach better sermons, come up with new ideas, and do better than the best I could do in order to make my people proud of having me as their pastor.  After three great years, we moved from that church to another in a different state.  I again hoped that with a fresh start, the anxiety would melt away.  And once again, it just stuck around like a bad dream.

So I countered the anxiety by pouring myself into that church.  I did everything I could think of to keep my mind and body busy.  I started new ministries, conducted a capital campaign, worked hard to renovate an aging structure, merged churches, established relationships, and loved the people.  And when the anxiety continued to build, I ignored it and tried to improve myself by going back to school.  In the midst of all of that, the anxiety was kept at bay, mainly because I kept myself so busy that I could ignore it.  After five years of ministry at that place, I was homesick enough that I knew I needed to return to Texas.  By the grace of God, I was brought to a church that genuinely seems to fit me and my family.  I can't explain why, but we just all seem to fit together.  So you would think at this point I would be able to tell you that the anxious feelings I have ignored would now be dissipating.  But no.  They are still here.

I didn't realize how bad it was getting until Covid hit back in March.  I don't know exactly why, but since then it has been much worse than before.  I don't know if it was the downtime of shutdowns and non-pressing schedules, or if it is because of the uncertainty of what church will look like post-Covid, or it's because my denomination is facing an ever more likely split, but over the last several months the anxiety has continued to build.  

There are days that it seems absolutely unbearable.  Today was one of those days.  I have heart palpitations, I feel nervous, I get sharp pains that suddenly appear, and my mind has a hard time remaining focused.  My therapist has taught me a breathing exercise that helps calm me down to a reasonable level.  But I know that it's just a matter of time until it builds again and I will have to start all over with my focused breathing.  I don't like to live this way, but I also know that there's not a magic pill I can swallow that will erase this problem.

At the end of days like today, I am relieved that the darkness of night has flooded across the land.  I am relieved that it's almost time for bed.  I'm grateful that I have a wife who holds my hand.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  Perhaps the anxiety will be less.  Perhaps it will be overwhelming.  But regardless of what tomorrow brings, I'm going to do my best to remember the goodness of God.  After all Jesus is my only hope.  And while that sounds silly to some people, it's all I've got.  And the reality is that for me, clinging to the truth that Jesus is my only hope makes my anxiety at least bearable one more time.

+Grace and Peace

Dustin

Follow the Leader

One of my favorite games when I was a kid was Follow the Leader.  I'm sure y'all played it too.  One person would be the leader and then everyone would line up behind him or her.  Then the leader would walk, hop, skip, run, etc.  Everything that the leader did, everyone in line had to do.  It really was a lot of fun.  Especially if you were the leader!

But being the leader isn't nearly as much fun as an adult as it was as a kid.  A few years ago I read a book by Bob Farr called Renovate or Die.  The main theme of the book is to help churches get refocused on their mission.  One of the main things that Farr points out is that the pastor really is responsible for getting the renovation done.  And it's not always a fun thing to do.  One particular quote has stuck with me.  He says, "If you lead, you bleed."  I have discovered that to be true.

I used to think that leadership could be learned.  But I'm not so sure about that anymore.  Leadership is a lot more about making decisions that may or may not be popular with the crowd.  It's about weighing as many of your options as you can before acting.  It's about listening carefully to as many ideas, opinions, and voices as you can so that you can weigh your options.  Leadership is about doing the best you can to do what's in the best interest of everyone.  Leadership isn't about popularity.  And so leadership is hard.

The frustrating thing about the last few months is the lack of focus; the lack of unity.  With social distancing and many people choosing to stay home, it's almost impossible to listen to people.  I find it interesting that a lot of people have told me how well I've lead our church through this pandemic.  But I really don't think I have.  I've made mistakes.  I've doubted decisions.  I continue to have anxiety about what Aldersgate will look like post-Covid.  So I'm not quite as confident in my leadership as others have been.  

I suppose the most I can say is that I've done what has had to be done.  Nothing more.  Maybe some day I'll learn how to be a better leader.  But I doubt it.  Because I still say that leadership can't be taught.  It's simply done.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin

Midlife Crises Suck

I turned 45 this year.  I have always heard of having a midlife crisis, but I never thought much of it.  But at 45 you realize that you are at the peak of midlife.  And at that peak I suppose a crisis is bound to happen for many of us.  And so amidst a worldwide pandemic, amidst a devastating church split, and due to the fact that I have chosen to ignore myself for a long time, my own crisis came bubbling up out of me.  

Now I'm not going to go into any specifics right now, but suffice it to say, this crisis caused pain in my own life and in the life of someone I love dearly.  But as I've pointed out numerous times over the last several months, there's always a silver lining even on the darkest, angriest cloud.  And the silver lining to my own mid-life catastrophe happens to be a man named David Hanson.  

To anyone walking down the street, David would look like just an average man.  There's really nothing extraordinary about him.  He looks like any number of other 30-ish year old white men hanging out in the mall, at a ballgame, or even sitting in the pew at church.  But you see, David has a superpower.  And that superpower is that he listens.  He challenges.  He pushes.  He cares.  You see, David is my therapist.

I never thought that I'd be the kind of person who would go to therapy.  I come from a long line of farmers and ranchers who work hard and don't really like to ask for help.  It's ingrained in me to the deepest core that you don't talk about your issues.  You don't involve outsiders in your family business.  And you most certainly NEVER seek counseling.  So, I guess you could say that I've broken the rules.  But since I'm not really a rule follower most of the time, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

David did something in our session a few weeks ago that I can't really put words to.  And if I told you exactly what he said or what he had me do, you would probably think I'm pretty weird.  Or at least if you know me very well, you would think it was weirder than normal.  Without going into all the details of what the session involved, I will tell you that at the end of the session, for the first time in my memory, I began to love.

Now I don't mean that I began to love people.  I have loved a lot of people in my life.  My earliest love was towards my parents and grandmother.  Over the years, I have loved other people too.  My wife.  My kids.  My sister and her family.  Cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family.  When I became a pastor I fell in love with church people.  And through the Holy Spirit I am learning to love people the way Jesus loves people.  It's a life long transformation, but I'm slowly getting there.

But there has been one person that I have never loved.  To me, he was unlovable.  He is mean.  He's selfish.  He's arrogant.  And personally, I just never liked hanging out with him.  But due to the way things are in my life, I never could get away from him.  Over the years, I have learned to distance myself from him emotionally.  I have learned to keep him at arm's length in order to keep my public self safe.  But David has made me engage with him.  He has made me actually talk to him.  He's making me get to know him as other people know him.  And because of that, I am learning to love him.  In case you haven't figured it out by now, the person I'm learning to love...is me.

Now I realize that I still have a long way to go before I really can love myself.  After all, falling in love does take time.  There's still a lot about me that I don't like.  There's still a lot about me that causes me pain, that causes me embarrassment.  But there's also things about me that I'm learning are ok.  I can be a good guy sometimes and I've even been known to be generous at times.  

So today, I thank God for David.  I thank God for hundreds of other therapists who are on the front lines of the mental health crisis that is plaguing our country.  I thank God for convicting me and sending me into a tailspin.  I'm not sure where this therapy road will eventually lead, but I do know that as of today, I'm doing much better than I was when I turned 45.  

If you don't currently see a therapist, I encourage you to at least think about it.  There's nothing shameful about it.  And in so many ways, having one is saving my life.  If you do see a therapist, I want you to do me a huge favor.  Pray for him/her.  They need strength.  They need wisdom.  And even a therapist needs to feel loved.  

Even though my own mid-life crisis is what led me to David, I still maintain that midlife crises suck.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin

Love, Cyberspace, and Grace

I met a man this week.  We didn't meet in person; instead I met him in cyberspace.  In fact, due to the anonymity of social media, he doesn't even know that I met him.  What amazed me about this particular person was the way that he presented himself to the world.  His entire demeanor was from a place of disdain and cynicism.  As I scrolled down through his Facebook posts it became apparent to me that he is an atheist.  I honestly have no problem with people who don't believe in God.  That, of course, is their right.  A person should be able to believe whatever he or she wants to believe. However, what bothered me is that he is an anti-theist.  He is one of the people in the world who does not want others to believe in God and when he encounters someone who does, he intentionally attacks the person through hateful comments and ridiculous accusations.

But even more than that, most of his attacks (in fact all of the ones I read) were aimed at Christians.  This particular individual pointed all of his barbs and vitriolic comments at people who are Christ followers.  Again, I suppose that that does not surprise me.  After all, Jesus told us that there would be people in the world who hated us because the world hated him.  In fact, I have been personally vilified for my desire to follow the teachings of Christ.  However, usually these attacks come from people in the church and not from the world.

My initial reaction to this man's hatefulness was repulsion.  I had a hard time wrapping my mind around some of the things that he had posted.  I could sense the deep disdain that he has towards people in general and disciples of Jesus in particular.  It seemed as though every breath of his body was mustered in order to destroy instead of to build.

But then I was surprised by how I felt next.  Instead of feeling superior (pharisaic) in the way I looked at him, I began to pity him.  I wondered what had happened in his life to make him so filled with hatred.  Was he hurt by the Church...by people who claim Christ as their savior but behave more like agnostics?  Was he disappointed by Christians with their pie-in-the-sky theology that doesn't translate into actual behavior?  At some point did he believe, only to have that belief turned into disbelief as he watched churches fight over the silliest theological differences?

I suppose any or all of these scenarios could be true.  I certainly understand church politics and I see how professing Christians treat one another and their neighbors.  Gandhi once remarked to E. Stanley Jones that "I do not reject your Christ. I love your Christ. It is just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ."  So my best guess is that this man, who is about my age, that I met this week has probably seen the worst in Christ's body.  For that I am truly sorry.

The other thing I realized from my encounter is that only by God's grace am I not like this man.  I have seen plenty of fighting, hatefulness, and meanness so many times that I simply want to walk away.  But something I read has kept me firmly rooted in my belief in God.  "God is love, and those who remain in love remain in God and God remains in them.  This is how love has been perfected in us, so that we can have confidence on the Judgment Day, because we are exactly the same as God is in this world.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear expects punishment.  The person who is afraid has not been made perfect in love.  We love because God first loved us." (1John 4:16b-19)

You see, I know where my heart was before I knew God.  If I would never have learned to love, I would be just like this poor man I met on Facebook.  But I'm not.  It is only because of God's love, God's grace, and God's mercy that I have as much love in me as I do.  I recognize that I'm not where I want to be yet.  However, I also know that as I continue to choose love over hate and as I choose forgiveness over resentfulness, then God's Spirit will continue to make me look more like Jesus.  And dear friends, looking and acting like Jesus, not going to heaven upon death, is the ultimate goal of every disciple of Christ.

So I'm going to pray for this man.  I pray that he encounters someone in person who is a true disciple.  I pray that he sees the true love of God played out in his community.  I pray that God doesn't give up on him and continues to pour grace and love into his life.  And finally, I pray, that if I ever meet him in person that I continue to love him because God does.  Until next time...

Pastor Dustin

"Friendship Is a Single Soul Living in Two Bodies"--Aristotle

In my second year of seminary, I decided to pick up Oswald Chambers' devotional guide My Utmost For His Highest as a part of my personal time with God each morning.  What I remember about that year was that every morning as I read the daily reading, I could sense that God was indeed speaking to me through the words written.  I knew that the Holy Spirit was doing a mighty work in me as he was preparing me for full time ministry.

I couple of months ago, I read a short piece that was quoted from the devotional and I could sense the Spirit stirring within me.  So I decided to once again go through the book for 2015.  It's funny how God works.  A few days before Christmas I had dropped by our local mall to pick up a couple of last minute Christmas gifts.  For whatever reason, I ended up going into the used book store.  As I was looking at the commentaries, one of the books that stuck out at me was a really nice copy of Chambers' book.  I picked it up for a mere $3.00 and gave it to Myranda so that she could read the book with me.

On January 7th, the focus verse is from John's gospel.  "Jesus replied, 'Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been with you all this time?'"  It made me wonder, how many of us who claim Jesus as our savior are in Philip's boat?  How many of us have been with him for 20, 30, or even 40 years and still don't know him?  Knowing who Jesus is and knowing Jesus are two diametrically opposite things.

For many years, I knew a lot about Jesus.  I knew that he was born in Bethlehem.  I knew that he was baptized by John in the River Jordan.  I even knew that he died on a cross and was resurrected from the tomb.  But I really didn't know Jesus.  It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I actually was introduced to the Son of Man.

It was only after I began to know Jesus that my life truly changed.  Knowing him has been a challenge, a joy, a struggle...over all, it's been an unfathomable experience.  As I reflect upon my relationship with him, I have come to realize something.  My relationship with Jesus is a true friendship.  Sometimes he makes me laugh.  At times, we argue.  I get mad at him.  And at times, there are moments of intimacy where I feel as though we truly are "a single soul living in two bodies."

But through it all, I am so glad that I do know Jesus.  For me, knowing Christ is not about going to heaven or avoiding hell.  Knowing Christ is a walk where he reveals myself to me.  He gently shows me where I am weak, lovingly shows me where I need to improve, and carefully forms me into something better than I could have been without him.  I guess that the longer that I know Jesus the more I recognize that the Jesus I knew a lot about is not the Jesus that I now know.  While I believe all of those things did happen, it's not about the things; it's about the person.

That's what I think he was telling Philip that day.  A person can know about someone else.  A person can even live a life associated with someone else and really never know that person.  But that's not the same as knowing them.  So my hope for 2015 is that if you are a Christ-follower that you will get to know the real Jesus.  If you're not, then maybe I could introduce you sometime.  It would be my pleasure.  Until next time...

I'm Not Tantalus and God's Not Zeus

It's the monsoon season here in New Mexico.  Growing up just across the line in Texas, we didn't have a monsoon flow.  Most of our rain came in the spring and the fall.  Occasionally we would get a summer thunderstorm.  But for the most part our summers were dry and rather warm.

But over here on the western side of the mountains, the climate is different.  From what I've been told, we stay relatively dry most of the year.  But starting in July, the tipping point is reached and moisture begins to be pumped north and we begin to receive rain.  Obviously, I have no other years to compare this year's monsoon to, but it has seemed somewhat quiet to me.  

One thing does intrigue me about living at the base of the mountain.  Monsoon or not, this summer the mountains have been getting a good soaking.  Almost every afternoon I hear the thunder rumble as the cumulonimbus build up over the areas around Cloudcroft.  I guess there's still a part of me that gets excited when I hear thunder roll.  With great expectations, I lift my eyes to mountains just east of us and secretly hope they find their way west.  I hope they will bring us moisture and cooler temperatures.

But that doesn't happen.  The mountains selfishly rob us of the rain.  They squeeze every drop they can from the skies and leave us thirsty.  On many afternoons as I drive home, I feel like Tantalus.  

(Maybe you remember that story from Greek Mythology.  Like other figures from the Greek stories, Tantalus was punished by Zeus.  Apparently, he was initially welcomed to Zeus' table to eat.  But he decided to steal ambrosia and nectar and share it with humans.  Since Zeus was a selfish and prideful god, he punished his son by sending him to the depths of Tartarus.  His punishment fit his crime.  Since he stole food and drink he would forever be without them.  But it was worse than that.  He was surrounded by fruit hanging from trees.  When he reached up to pick fruit to eat, the branch would move just beyond his reach.  And the pool of water where he lived was the same.  When he reached down to draw a handful of water, the pool would recede.  And, that folks, is where we get the word to tantalize.  But I digress.)

It's hard for me not to become disenchanted with the mountains.  In some ways, I want to believe that we are being punished for some reason.  I want to find a way to make things right so that we too can receive the blessedness of rain.

But you know, that's not what Jesus taught us.  He taught us that God is love and that God sends forth everything that we need.  In fact, he was big on teaching that his Father is not Zeus.  Unlike Zeus, God enjoys giving us things.  From the very beginning of the Bible, we are told that God created the world for humanity.  He turned the Garden over to us to manage, to use, and to enjoy.  Jesus tells us that God sends the rain to the just AND the unjust.  He reminds us that a life of blessing is God's desire for every person.  

So as I lift my eyes to the mountains and I see the rain falling up there, I remind myself that mountain rains are a beautiful thing.  I remember that God has always provided for me and my family and that I have an opportunity to provide for others by being a blessing.  Even when it doesn't rain here in the desert, I know that God loves me and that he never tantalizes me.  Instead, he always provides.

Until next time...

Dustin