Midlife Crises Suck

I turned 45 this year.  I have always heard of having a midlife crisis, but I never thought much of it.  But at 45 you realize that you are at the peak of midlife.  And at that peak I suppose a crisis is bound to happen for many of us.  And so amidst a worldwide pandemic, amidst a devastating church split, and due to the fact that I have chosen to ignore myself for a long time, my own crisis came bubbling up out of me.  

Now I'm not going to go into any specifics right now, but suffice it to say, this crisis caused pain in my own life and in the life of someone I love dearly.  But as I've pointed out numerous times over the last several months, there's always a silver lining even on the darkest, angriest cloud.  And the silver lining to my own mid-life catastrophe happens to be a man named David Hanson.  

To anyone walking down the street, David would look like just an average man.  There's really nothing extraordinary about him.  He looks like any number of other 30-ish year old white men hanging out in the mall, at a ballgame, or even sitting in the pew at church.  But you see, David has a superpower.  And that superpower is that he listens.  He challenges.  He pushes.  He cares.  You see, David is my therapist.

I never thought that I'd be the kind of person who would go to therapy.  I come from a long line of farmers and ranchers who work hard and don't really like to ask for help.  It's ingrained in me to the deepest core that you don't talk about your issues.  You don't involve outsiders in your family business.  And you most certainly NEVER seek counseling.  So, I guess you could say that I've broken the rules.  But since I'm not really a rule follower most of the time, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

David did something in our session a few weeks ago that I can't really put words to.  And if I told you exactly what he said or what he had me do, you would probably think I'm pretty weird.  Or at least if you know me very well, you would think it was weirder than normal.  Without going into all the details of what the session involved, I will tell you that at the end of the session, for the first time in my memory, I began to love.

Now I don't mean that I began to love people.  I have loved a lot of people in my life.  My earliest love was towards my parents and grandmother.  Over the years, I have loved other people too.  My wife.  My kids.  My sister and her family.  Cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family.  When I became a pastor I fell in love with church people.  And through the Holy Spirit I am learning to love people the way Jesus loves people.  It's a life long transformation, but I'm slowly getting there.

But there has been one person that I have never loved.  To me, he was unlovable.  He is mean.  He's selfish.  He's arrogant.  And personally, I just never liked hanging out with him.  But due to the way things are in my life, I never could get away from him.  Over the years, I have learned to distance myself from him emotionally.  I have learned to keep him at arm's length in order to keep my public self safe.  But David has made me engage with him.  He has made me actually talk to him.  He's making me get to know him as other people know him.  And because of that, I am learning to love him.  In case you haven't figured it out by now, the person I'm learning to love...is me.

Now I realize that I still have a long way to go before I really can love myself.  After all, falling in love does take time.  There's still a lot about me that I don't like.  There's still a lot about me that causes me pain, that causes me embarrassment.  But there's also things about me that I'm learning are ok.  I can be a good guy sometimes and I've even been known to be generous at times.  

So today, I thank God for David.  I thank God for hundreds of other therapists who are on the front lines of the mental health crisis that is plaguing our country.  I thank God for convicting me and sending me into a tailspin.  I'm not sure where this therapy road will eventually lead, but I do know that as of today, I'm doing much better than I was when I turned 45.  

If you don't currently see a therapist, I encourage you to at least think about it.  There's nothing shameful about it.  And in so many ways, having one is saving my life.  If you do see a therapist, I want you to do me a huge favor.  Pray for him/her.  They need strength.  They need wisdom.  And even a therapist needs to feel loved.  

Even though my own mid-life crisis is what led me to David, I still maintain that midlife crises suck.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin