Staffsgiving

The other day, someone I used to work with (and I greatly admire) posted the following on her social media page, "Y'all ever miss co-workers from past jobs?  I've met some really good people over the years."  And it got me to thinking, "I really have worked with some of the best people in my life."  So many times these women and men have seen me through some tough times.  They've celebrated the birth of my girls, they've laughed at my lame jokes, and they've listened to me vent about all the things life throws my way.

I've come to understand that as time drifts by, co-workers come and go.  One thing that Covid did that was totally unexpected on my part was to force us to re-evaluate who we are and what we want out of life.  That self-reflection took three people from the Aldersgate staff and moved them in a new direction.  As much work as hiring new people can be, it also gives me an opportunity to meet new people.  These new people bring a fresh outlook on the ministry we do, they bring excitement to our team, and they bring themselves into my life.

So today I celebrate my co-workers.  Each one of them challenges me in their own way.  Each one gives me a perspective on ministry and on life that I wouldn't have without them.  And each one brings to the table so many gifts and graces for ministry that fills the gap.  I love these people not for what they do, what they give, or even for how they help me.  I love each one of them just for being who they are.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin

The Goodness of God

For the last several years I've been dealing with anxiety.  I really can't pinpoint exactly when if first showed up.  But I do know I first began dealing with it while I was in seminary.  Several things worried me.  I had a family to take care of, I wanted to do well in school, I wanted to learn as much as possible, I didn't want to let down my local church, I missed my family back in Texas, and the list just goes on and on.  At that time, I just dealt with it.  I kept telling myself that all I had to do was get through school and then everything would be ok.  But it didn't work out that way.

After I graduated and received my first church, I couldn't have asked for a better place to start out in ministry.  So many of the people there accepted me and my family.  They loved us, cared for us, and invited us into their lives.  But for some reason, the anxiety that I felt continued to build.  I pushed myself to preach better sermons, come up with new ideas, and do better than the best I could do in order to make my people proud of having me as their pastor.  After three great years, we moved from that church to another in a different state.  I again hoped that with a fresh start, the anxiety would melt away.  And once again, it just stuck around like a bad dream.

So I countered the anxiety by pouring myself into that church.  I did everything I could think of to keep my mind and body busy.  I started new ministries, conducted a capital campaign, worked hard to renovate an aging structure, merged churches, established relationships, and loved the people.  And when the anxiety continued to build, I ignored it and tried to improve myself by going back to school.  In the midst of all of that, the anxiety was kept at bay, mainly because I kept myself so busy that I could ignore it.  After five years of ministry at that place, I was homesick enough that I knew I needed to return to Texas.  By the grace of God, I was brought to a church that genuinely seems to fit me and my family.  I can't explain why, but we just all seem to fit together.  So you would think at this point I would be able to tell you that the anxious feelings I have ignored would now be dissipating.  But no.  They are still here.

I didn't realize how bad it was getting until Covid hit back in March.  I don't know exactly why, but since then it has been much worse than before.  I don't know if it was the downtime of shutdowns and non-pressing schedules, or if it is because of the uncertainty of what church will look like post-Covid, or it's because my denomination is facing an ever more likely split, but over the last several months the anxiety has continued to build.  

There are days that it seems absolutely unbearable.  Today was one of those days.  I have heart palpitations, I feel nervous, I get sharp pains that suddenly appear, and my mind has a hard time remaining focused.  My therapist has taught me a breathing exercise that helps calm me down to a reasonable level.  But I know that it's just a matter of time until it builds again and I will have to start all over with my focused breathing.  I don't like to live this way, but I also know that there's not a magic pill I can swallow that will erase this problem.

At the end of days like today, I am relieved that the darkness of night has flooded across the land.  I am relieved that it's almost time for bed.  I'm grateful that I have a wife who holds my hand.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  Perhaps the anxiety will be less.  Perhaps it will be overwhelming.  But regardless of what tomorrow brings, I'm going to do my best to remember the goodness of God.  After all Jesus is my only hope.  And while that sounds silly to some people, it's all I've got.  And the reality is that for me, clinging to the truth that Jesus is my only hope makes my anxiety at least bearable one more time.

+Grace and Peace

Dustin

Follow the Leader

One of my favorite games when I was a kid was Follow the Leader.  I'm sure y'all played it too.  One person would be the leader and then everyone would line up behind him or her.  Then the leader would walk, hop, skip, run, etc.  Everything that the leader did, everyone in line had to do.  It really was a lot of fun.  Especially if you were the leader!

But being the leader isn't nearly as much fun as an adult as it was as a kid.  A few years ago I read a book by Bob Farr called Renovate or Die.  The main theme of the book is to help churches get refocused on their mission.  One of the main things that Farr points out is that the pastor really is responsible for getting the renovation done.  And it's not always a fun thing to do.  One particular quote has stuck with me.  He says, "If you lead, you bleed."  I have discovered that to be true.

I used to think that leadership could be learned.  But I'm not so sure about that anymore.  Leadership is a lot more about making decisions that may or may not be popular with the crowd.  It's about weighing as many of your options as you can before acting.  It's about listening carefully to as many ideas, opinions, and voices as you can so that you can weigh your options.  Leadership is about doing the best you can to do what's in the best interest of everyone.  Leadership isn't about popularity.  And so leadership is hard.

The frustrating thing about the last few months is the lack of focus; the lack of unity.  With social distancing and many people choosing to stay home, it's almost impossible to listen to people.  I find it interesting that a lot of people have told me how well I've lead our church through this pandemic.  But I really don't think I have.  I've made mistakes.  I've doubted decisions.  I continue to have anxiety about what Aldersgate will look like post-Covid.  So I'm not quite as confident in my leadership as others have been.  

I suppose the most I can say is that I've done what has had to be done.  Nothing more.  Maybe some day I'll learn how to be a better leader.  But I doubt it.  Because I still say that leadership can't be taught.  It's simply done.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin

Midlife Crises Suck

I turned 45 this year.  I have always heard of having a midlife crisis, but I never thought much of it.  But at 45 you realize that you are at the peak of midlife.  And at that peak I suppose a crisis is bound to happen for many of us.  And so amidst a worldwide pandemic, amidst a devastating church split, and due to the fact that I have chosen to ignore myself for a long time, my own crisis came bubbling up out of me.  

Now I'm not going to go into any specifics right now, but suffice it to say, this crisis caused pain in my own life and in the life of someone I love dearly.  But as I've pointed out numerous times over the last several months, there's always a silver lining even on the darkest, angriest cloud.  And the silver lining to my own mid-life catastrophe happens to be a man named David Hanson.  

To anyone walking down the street, David would look like just an average man.  There's really nothing extraordinary about him.  He looks like any number of other 30-ish year old white men hanging out in the mall, at a ballgame, or even sitting in the pew at church.  But you see, David has a superpower.  And that superpower is that he listens.  He challenges.  He pushes.  He cares.  You see, David is my therapist.

I never thought that I'd be the kind of person who would go to therapy.  I come from a long line of farmers and ranchers who work hard and don't really like to ask for help.  It's ingrained in me to the deepest core that you don't talk about your issues.  You don't involve outsiders in your family business.  And you most certainly NEVER seek counseling.  So, I guess you could say that I've broken the rules.  But since I'm not really a rule follower most of the time, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

David did something in our session a few weeks ago that I can't really put words to.  And if I told you exactly what he said or what he had me do, you would probably think I'm pretty weird.  Or at least if you know me very well, you would think it was weirder than normal.  Without going into all the details of what the session involved, I will tell you that at the end of the session, for the first time in my memory, I began to love.

Now I don't mean that I began to love people.  I have loved a lot of people in my life.  My earliest love was towards my parents and grandmother.  Over the years, I have loved other people too.  My wife.  My kids.  My sister and her family.  Cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family.  When I became a pastor I fell in love with church people.  And through the Holy Spirit I am learning to love people the way Jesus loves people.  It's a life long transformation, but I'm slowly getting there.

But there has been one person that I have never loved.  To me, he was unlovable.  He is mean.  He's selfish.  He's arrogant.  And personally, I just never liked hanging out with him.  But due to the way things are in my life, I never could get away from him.  Over the years, I have learned to distance myself from him emotionally.  I have learned to keep him at arm's length in order to keep my public self safe.  But David has made me engage with him.  He has made me actually talk to him.  He's making me get to know him as other people know him.  And because of that, I am learning to love him.  In case you haven't figured it out by now, the person I'm learning to love...is me.

Now I realize that I still have a long way to go before I really can love myself.  After all, falling in love does take time.  There's still a lot about me that I don't like.  There's still a lot about me that causes me pain, that causes me embarrassment.  But there's also things about me that I'm learning are ok.  I can be a good guy sometimes and I've even been known to be generous at times.  

So today, I thank God for David.  I thank God for hundreds of other therapists who are on the front lines of the mental health crisis that is plaguing our country.  I thank God for convicting me and sending me into a tailspin.  I'm not sure where this therapy road will eventually lead, but I do know that as of today, I'm doing much better than I was when I turned 45.  

If you don't currently see a therapist, I encourage you to at least think about it.  There's nothing shameful about it.  And in so many ways, having one is saving my life.  If you do see a therapist, I want you to do me a huge favor.  Pray for him/her.  They need strength.  They need wisdom.  And even a therapist needs to feel loved.  

Even though my own mid-life crisis is what led me to David, I still maintain that midlife crises suck.

+Grace and Peace,

Dustin